/DecemberAt24/
Three more days - or rather two to be exact, till I fully hit 24.
I already feel 24, what does the official birthday even mean - when I already feel 25.
Obviously I'm here because I'm inspired to write from a strong feeling.
I never thought I will truly come to like someone who can match my standards; who I now feel is too good for me.
It was always in the back of my head - this won't last, if I don't even like myself, how can I expect anyone to do it in return?
If there is no one true love - I rather not love.
If no one can see me for who I really am - I rather not devote.
My insecurity has always been haunting me; yes my biggest fear is hypocrisy.
I'm such a laughable hypocrite because I want to be honest and that is my greatest peeve; yet I can never be.
Deep to the core I'm selfish, I'm still at a lost, why am I like this, I've matured yet I'm still succumbing to wearing different masks.
In the three months plus, I never thought I will make myself vulnerable to anyone, let alone to cry in-front of someone I barely know. It's the most vulnerable I have ever been to anyone, because I could connect to the helpless loneliness, the insecurity and self-doubt we tend to wallow and hide against the usual facade - when left to our own devices. It just connected with me and rang true that tears just flowed. I wanted to be honest, I tried to, but I couldn't because it'll mean baring my entire soul.
My darkest phase was not being able to convey my insecurity to anyone, feeling ridiculous for not being able to say it, being emotionally unavailable to deal with family, the conflicting emotions of wanting to talk to people yet rebelling against my own convictions.
Even then... no one truly understood why the me then and the me now has changed. It wasn't that I became more 'extroverted', I just felt so bounded by my insecurity, lost in my wallowing that it conflicted with my personal interest to be social and not alone - to be surrounded by people, by positivity, by good.
Back to the present - I'm thankful to meet you like this, like I said I don't regret anything. I think it was great that we stopped before we become anything, I'll be emotional baggage - if I can't love myself how can I expect others to love me?
It started as the person's own vulnerability and value being challenged - but it obviously was linked to my own actions and mindset. Perhaps this is the perfect excuse to say that we can only be friends and nothing more - I'm still afraid to take off that mask.
To be able to cry infront of someone for the first time, that wasn't in a public setting felt like a milestone to letting myself slowly ease out of my own self pity.
At the end of the day my problems are so minute, compared to the world. It's time to become a full-fledged adult, no more childish games, more growth and lesser self pity.
Thank you, to you who went along with my weird antics, for voluntarily being vulnerable, for becoming my shoulder, for at the end of the day - made the wisest decision and the one thing I needed the most.
That Wednesday, looking at the Christmas tree, I just felt or had the inkling, 'how long can this last, it feels like it may be the last time I will see you'. That maybe gave me courage, to do what I wanted to, even if it changed things, I don't think I regretted because I knew it was going to be the last time.
Goodbye,
I already feel 24, what does the official birthday even mean - when I already feel 25.
Obviously I'm here because I'm inspired to write from a strong feeling.
I never thought I will truly come to like someone who can match my standards; who I now feel is too good for me.
It was always in the back of my head - this won't last, if I don't even like myself, how can I expect anyone to do it in return?
If there is no one true love - I rather not love.
If no one can see me for who I really am - I rather not devote.
My insecurity has always been haunting me; yes my biggest fear is hypocrisy.
I'm such a laughable hypocrite because I want to be honest and that is my greatest peeve; yet I can never be.
Deep to the core I'm selfish, I'm still at a lost, why am I like this, I've matured yet I'm still succumbing to wearing different masks.
In the three months plus, I never thought I will make myself vulnerable to anyone, let alone to cry in-front of someone I barely know. It's the most vulnerable I have ever been to anyone, because I could connect to the helpless loneliness, the insecurity and self-doubt we tend to wallow and hide against the usual facade - when left to our own devices. It just connected with me and rang true that tears just flowed. I wanted to be honest, I tried to, but I couldn't because it'll mean baring my entire soul.
My darkest phase was not being able to convey my insecurity to anyone, feeling ridiculous for not being able to say it, being emotionally unavailable to deal with family, the conflicting emotions of wanting to talk to people yet rebelling against my own convictions.
Even then... no one truly understood why the me then and the me now has changed. It wasn't that I became more 'extroverted', I just felt so bounded by my insecurity, lost in my wallowing that it conflicted with my personal interest to be social and not alone - to be surrounded by people, by positivity, by good.
Back to the present - I'm thankful to meet you like this, like I said I don't regret anything. I think it was great that we stopped before we become anything, I'll be emotional baggage - if I can't love myself how can I expect others to love me?
It started as the person's own vulnerability and value being challenged - but it obviously was linked to my own actions and mindset. Perhaps this is the perfect excuse to say that we can only be friends and nothing more - I'm still afraid to take off that mask.
To be able to cry infront of someone for the first time, that wasn't in a public setting felt like a milestone to letting myself slowly ease out of my own self pity.
At the end of the day my problems are so minute, compared to the world. It's time to become a full-fledged adult, no more childish games, more growth and lesser self pity.
Thank you, to you who went along with my weird antics, for voluntarily being vulnerable, for becoming my shoulder, for at the end of the day - made the wisest decision and the one thing I needed the most.
That Wednesday, looking at the Christmas tree, I just felt or had the inkling, 'how long can this last, it feels like it may be the last time I will see you'. That maybe gave me courage, to do what I wanted to, even if it changed things, I don't think I regretted because I knew it was going to be the last time.
Goodbye,
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